Oh the humanity

Vulnerability. This seems to be the theme of my week. Not because I’ve had warm fuzzy success with being vulnerable…but because I have been burned, bitten and rejected because of it. What does vulnerability have to do with food? It doesn’t, except when you use food to avoid being vulnerable or to fill the hole left when that vulnerable place is scooped out and dumped in the middle of desolation.

I don’t know why I keep doing it…putting myself out there with people. I suppose it comes from a desire to be completely genuine, but also from only wanting people in my life who can be genuine with me. On some level it’s worth the risk – that risk of being rejected for that true self I expose. On another level, we have to contend with the pain and subsequent self-doubt that comes out of being rejected when intentionally exposing your tender innards.

While I’m not exactly sure why I choose this path, I do know that, in the past, food has been a great comfort in dealing with rejection and feelings of insecurity arising from allowing myself to be vulnerable. It has also doubled as a way to punish myself for being unworthy of respect and love…as a result of letting my true self being seen. “I deserve to be as repulsive on the outside as I am on the inside, apparently.” Was a common thought in the past.

In the wake of being stomped into the ground not once, but twice this week, I was absolutely shocked that I didn’t feel the compulsion to immediately dive into the leftover Halloween candy. For the first time, that simultaneous punishment/comfort of eating isn’t my go-to. I realize in respecting both my hunger/fullness factor and my pleasure with food, I am respecting myself. I’m not judging that I love the experience of eating….that I find it a very pleasureable action. I spent the last 30 years feeling like garbage for being drawn to the pleasures of food (but only because I was overweight. The thin are allowed to eat compulsively in our society). Not feeling bad about that has taken the self-destruction out of the action. Much like an addict self-destructs with the substance of choice….it compounds upon itself. Get some self-respect, and the self-destruction doesn’t hold as much appeal.

Am I finally feeling like somewhere, deep down, I am WORTH it?  Who knew!